Today’s words to get you through are very prominent for me right now.
I have been struggling with the fear of un-productivity for a while. I have added more and more things to my schedule along with attempting to complete an online course (which I decided to start last year in ‘all that free time I had’ and have now had to keep restarting from where I left off every time it’s re-published onto the internet). I also want to update this blog more regularly. I find myself panicking when I haven’t posted in a while, but do not just want to write anything just for the sake of it. I end up making long lists of everything that needs to get done, plus everything else I want to do at the same time tacked onto the bottom. Last week I even made a list of all the lists I needed to make (apparently I’m going to die at 46 because I think I just had a midlife crisis). When I do not complete the to do list I end up getting annoyed at myself, when in fact there’s a good chance it wasn’t physically possible to get it all done anyway.
In the run up to Christmas time seems to speed up, but at the same time, Christmas break doesn’t seem to come fast enough. There’s Christmas parties to plan and school showcases to attend, Christmas gifts to buy and festive cards to send. (Firstly, that rhymes, whoo! Secondly, apparently box sets of Christmas cards just are not a thing here. Where’s the Tesco multipacks of festive cards in various designs for two quid? Here I’ve found they’re either tacky and cheap looking or a box of ten decent looking Christmas cards is ten euros?! Erm what?!) So whilst I am trying to fit everything in work wise, I’m also trying to find the time for the festive spirit to kick in. Last year I tried to visit as many of Vienna’s Christmas markets as I could (I even went on a Christmas market crawl one evening). This year, I haven’t been to a single one. Yet what I have to keep reminding myself is, is that you simply cannot do everything at once and often something’s got to give. I’m working more hours and have more responsibility, but I’m being paid more for the job that I do so I am benefiting. Last year I was being paid less and wasn’t working as much and would often become upset in many hours spent by myself. What I have now is what I wanted and yet I’m still finding a way to feel miserable about it. (I mean I can literally hear people shouting at me to get on with it and stop complaining…)
So you can see where my heads at. Needs a break, but doesn’t like endless amount free time. Wants to to do more to build up my CV, but also wants time to attend every Christmas market in the capital. Wants to relax, but is permanently thinking about what else could be getting done.
I have decided I need to start doing something about my fear of un-productivity. I need to start realising that it is okay to take a break and not do anything every once in a while. Last night rather than carrying on with work or online courses or even thinking about this blog, I just went to bed earlier and read a book for an hour and I felt so much better for it.
I’m not one for setting big New Years resolutions, I don’t particularly think you have to wait until a certain point to make a change in your life or try something new, however for the last two years I have made an effort to look back on the year and consider how I can make the next one better. In 2016 it was to power through and see things to the end in order to get where I wanted to be. Even though I knew it was going to be a struggle and was one of the toughest years to date, it was also one of the most rewarding. This year I decided I wanted to read more for leisure. I used to be an avid reader however the previous five years were more about textbooks and required reading than entertainment. I have been really enjoying it so far and even kept a notebook of all the books I have read like I used to as a kid. 2018 is going to be another big year I think; I am going to be applying for new jobs and have lots of travel plans. The goal is going to be to work hard, but also to give myself the credit I deserve and to relax when I know that I need it. I am never going to be the kind of person that can sit around all day doing nothing, it’s one of the things I’m most proud of, but I need to give myself some time just to recuperate every now and again.
It’s going to take some time, but I think that by noticing the problem and seeking advice and ways to tackle it (I’m loving yoga so far and that is definitely helping!) it will become easier.
Let’s see how it goes…